In the past few weeks there have been many things that I felt are out of my control. Most of all is the birth of the babies. Now before I had my doctor and friend who was planning on delivering our babies 5/15 via scheduled c-section. I felt we had a plan. As soon as the babies were born we would look at the potential "come-home" date. If both babies had no problems and it looked like we would come home within a couple of days, my mom would immediately book a flight and be here. If it looked like they would need some time in the neo-natal nursery, mom would wait until it looked like they were ready to come home. The idea was that I needed my mom during the time we were home.. not during the time they were in NICU. We had this plan. It was a plan we all were comfortable with, and the May 15 date gave me a goal to "stay pregnant" until then, and also a mind-set of "I can do anything until May 15" that helped as the discomfort grew.
Now that my doctor is out on bedrest with her own pregnancy I am seeing another doctor in her practice. First things first. This doctor is also amazing, and I am so thankful that she is in the practice for me to go to. However, her approach is slightly different. She says 5/15 is a good goal, but she really doesn't see the need to take them at that time if they are still growing. She sort of has a "wait and see" approach. This if fine of course, and honestly sounds like the best plan for the babies. But it leaves me thinking, "Then what exactly is my 'due date'?" All of the sudden our plan won't work, because even if I make it to 5/15 that doesn't mean we will have a c-section that day.
Of course now there is thought that I may not even make it to May 15. This thought has grown in light of last week's hospital stay.
And what exacerbates my feeling of being out of control is all of the end of the year events that Emily has coming up during that time. Between her preschool end of year activities, dance recitals, friend birthday parties and more I can barely keep it straight! Just the dance recital alone has my head spinning. First there is the informative parent meeting. Then pictures, costume dress rehearsal, final dress rehearsal at the theater, call times, instructions for everything up to what color blush to wear on their cheeks, etc. This all the week that I was "due" to have the twins. Hmmm. I'm feeling a bit out of control.
So what did I do today? I dropped Emily off at preschool, and went to Panera. After a decaf coffee and a cinnacrunch bagel with non-fat cream cheese I left with a fairly clear head. After a nice nap (sleep was an issue last night) I plan on typing up directions for every activity with a date and time posted to the front so that whoever it is helping, whether it be my grandma, Mom, or friend, will know exactly what to do, where to go, and how to get Emily there.
Maybe accomplishing this task will help me feel a bit more in control of life.