Every year when I go back to work I struggle with emotion. I fight back tears when I drop Emily off at Shari's (though Em is can't wait to get there and see her friends) and I think about her all day, especially the first few weeks. When I am done at school for the day and I walk out to my car I get this overwhelming desire to get to her as fast as I can. Kind of like a horse who sees the barnyard I guess, but I just can't drive there fast enough.
On the other side is the sheer joy that I feel about my job. I lay in bed before school starts wondering about the new children, their families, and the community we will build together. I get nervous about their expectations, and I wonder about how the first impressions will go. When I am setting up my classroom I really love it.
Somewhere in that emotion is a battle of guilt. And every year I start out feeling guilty about loving my job. It is almost like somewhere deep down I hold this belief that if I was a good mother I would feel guilty and miserable all day without my child. And though I miss her, I am happy at work.
Eventually I get to the point where I am this evening. I am reminded that I am doing the work that God intended me to do. I am not miserable because I love what I do! I find confidence in knowing that God fully gave me a purpose in my life that involves being a great mom, but also involves being a great teacher. And because of Him I can balance both of those things out... eventually.
So next year at this time of year I will probably post something similar. Similar seasons, similar thoughts I guess.It just seems to take me a few weeks at the beginning of every year. But through that process I am again reminded of my purpose. And it makes me feel good all over again when I am reminded of it all over again.